Thursday, April 2, 2015

Society's Manufactured Idealistic Contentment? Not For Me.

People spend their entire lives looking out into the monotony of their world, wondering if something else greater then themselves is really out there waiting for them, and yet, most of them never get any further then that. I used to be that person, going to the Chicago lakefront a few times a week, sitting there on the edge of the glistening waves bouncing the sun off of themselves after a 15 mile rollerblading excursion, just wondering, what is it I'm meant for? I would look out upon the skyline thinking to myself, "I know there's something more out there then this. There has to be. This can't be it. I was meant for something more then this." Are these the words of a delusional optimist, or the feeling of truly knowing that fate has laid out a path for me that I have not yet taken the first step on?

My worst fear has been realized as of late; my fear of contentment. I've become to content with life, with the way people tell me the world really is or should be, and not what the world has yet to offer me. That feeling of "that's just the way it is" has absorbed too much into my existence. The switch that has long been turned off in my soul has finally clicked back on, and instead of sitting there at that lakefront, writing a journal which nobody will ever read, pouring my very existence into it with words, here I am, sharing it with the world. The time for complacency is over. It's time to get back to being me.

Irony is a funny thing sometimes. Some people view irony as signs of fate, a destiny in which your path is laid out for you and no matter what life throws at you and what path you choose when presented with one, fate will always dictate the eventual outcome of your life. I've recently found motivation in stepping out of my complacent existence in the most unexpected place, the mind of a fictional man, John Teller. Yes, THAT John Teller. Any of you who knows that name knows it's a fictional character from the FX TV series, Sons of Anarchy. John was the former leader of a bike club who's ideology revolved around turning a rogue biker club into something greater then themselves. He realized life has more to offer and his fate presented a path for this idealist to do something more then himself.

Well, whoever wrote his character knows me more then they realize, with one exception. I'm not waiting around to figure it all out, because I realize if you sit there pondering the meaning of life, you'll never find the answer. The meaning of life is simply what you believe it should be and want out of it. I know I was meant for more then just being a prisoner of a monotonous concrete jungle every day. There's something more waiting for me out there. Think it's nonsense? That's fine, you have the freedom to think and believe whatever you want, but in the next ten years when you are in the same position, doing the same thing in life, wishing you would have taken that chance, I will have taken a hundred of them and living with no regrets. I've secluded myself into a world which isn't my own, but created for me by those who believe "that's just the way it is."

Well, that's not good enough anymore.

I used to be a biker as well, but for different reasons. I rode because it was out of my comfort zone. There is some truth in what they say, that if it's in your blood, you'll never stray away from it.  After an accident with my first bike, I had a second chance. What I walked away from with a broken ankle was a millisecond away from not walking away at all. As much as I feared getting back on, I did, after spending the entire summer on crutches rebuilding it, sitting in an office chair in a 100+ degree garage rebuilding my legacy. It wasn't just a bike, it was to be a symbol for myself of what it means to come back to yourself.

I gave all that up though, because I let myself be programmed by the world that the American Dream meant having a house, living your days out in peace and harmony, but realized every day I lived of that life was a day closer to the end of the road in which I haven't pursued anything I felt I was meant for.

The crazy idealist that I was always had this overwhelming feeling that fate had laid out a path for me in which somewhere in the timeline of my life, I would influence and lead mass amounts of people into victory and freedom, but in what symbolic way, I was never sure. Was it my words that would change the world, my actions of which I went about doing so or simply existing in a timeline where the smallest decisions I made would somehow have a paradox ripple effect in which would help those people I would never know, see or meet? Again, the crazy ramblings of a delusional optimist, or is there really something else to it?

The great thing about the human spirit is the ability to rise above the norms we typically allow ourselves to become all-to-complacent with and use that to overcome the limitations we put on our bodies, minds and souls. I was that person once, but have since strayed from it.

This ends now. I'm back. Hearing the word "no" on a daily basis over and over again will no longer dictate who I am and where my future lays.

I never think inside the box, but always outside. There is, however, one cliche saying that I do believe there is truth in, which is simply "You always have to put yourself first" which also goes along the lines of the other sister-saying "You can't love anybody else unless you love yourself." If I was to step inside life's box again, those are the only two mottos I would believe in, but the rest as of this moment are out the door.

For years after my accident, I couldn't walk without pain, I couldn't roller blade a mile, let alone the 15 a day I was doing, and I couldn't "ride" without the fear of going down again, even after buying another bike. It took me a long time to get my mobility back, and I let myself just exist, no passion for pushing my limits anymore, no soul, just the contentment of existence.

Ironically and transversely, the existence of contentment in my life is over.  It's time to get my life back. This time, the rules have changed and the only person in control of my fate is me.

I'm back. Let the games begin.

On to Step 1.... getting back in shape.

I'll figure out Step 2 after that.

What are you going to do? Think about it.......